Talk:Chimerical/@comment-25383866-20150320165035
First off, gross. And awesome. I loved the way this story went and how it ended. But it's got problems. The entire beginning paragraph was very stunted. It didn't flow very well, because the sentences didn't lead into each other at all. Each sentence is a standalone description; "He walked to the fridge. He opened the fridge. He took an eye from the jar in the fridge." It's not very fun to read. There are also many, many instances where I had to stop and reread a sentence several times before being able to move on. Por ejemplo: "...like sick from a drunken man." He is drunk. Right? It doesn't seem like an appropriate simile. That's like saying "Barry Bonds hit the ball like a baseball player." "...had it not been for what the person complained about the smell." This is worded really strangely. I would've said, "...had it not been for the way they described the smell." In my opinion it flows much better that way. A little later Karl says smoke is coming through their filters, then he takes a deep breath to calm himself. A deep breath of smoke? "Her stomach had become tumescent. The July heat had turned this apartment into a sweltering oven. The heat sped up the process of putrefaction. She had likely died a few days ago and had already entered the stage of active decay. There was no way to be certain, but she looked like she was middle aged. Decomposition had already taken its toll on them. Their tissues had already begun to break down and liquefy. This gave them the sickly appearance of having been fused together." Holy shit, this paragraph. There's nothing wrong with the first few sentences, but then you skip a beat and start talking about something we have no context for. Decomposition had taken its toll on what? I assumed the pets, but you hadn't started talking about them yet. The last couple of sentences in this paragraph need to be moved or removed. "Her pets had fared no better. In all, I counted ten pets on the bed, ranging from cats to small and larger breeds of dogs. The smallest being a Yorkshire Terrier and the largest a Great Dane." So this could've been two sentences. Also, the use of the word "pet" twice in quick succession like this feels kind of redundant. "In all, I counted ten of them on the bed, ranging from cats to small and larger breeds of dog, the smallest being a Yorkshire Terrier and the largest a Great Dane." Again, it reads much smoother this way. "An obese man had suffered a heart attack in the shower. He died under the spray of the shower." These sentences are fine, but again, the use of the word "shower" twice is redundant. "He died under the spray of the water" is much nicer to read. "...body being hit with hot and alternating cold water." This should read "...alternating hot and cold water." "...when it happened. The mass on the bed shifted." This comes literally out of nowhere with no prior setup. It's like there was a sentence leading up to this, and then it got axed. This is unfortunate, because it almost derails the best part of the story. Even putting "Then the mass on the bed shifted" would have been better. Really, that part should have its own paragraph. "The corpse moving forward burbling and bloated with decomposition." I like this sentence a lot, but it also is a bit of a non-sequiteur. It has no context or punctuation, so I don't know how I'm supposed to read it. My assumption is that it's a continuation of the preceding sentence, in which case it shouldn't be its own sentence but rather the two should be joined by a semicolon. "...the monstrosity robbed me of my voice." "...afraid to startle this monstrosity." Redundant, again. "The cat gave a low-pitched yowl..." Shouldn't this be "a cat?" There are more than one, right? "I felt my heart stop and skip a beat in my chest." Again, nothing wrong with this, but generally it's one or the other when people use it- did his heart stop, or did it skip a beat? It's not literal either way. It's just that when I read this, the first thing that came to mind was "Having your cake and eating it too." "The cruel chimera twisted and changed positions, that act ripped open its joined flesh." This would read much better as "...changed positions, ripping open its joined flesh." "Their bodies had broken down and fused them together." "Them" isn't necessary here. "As outlandish as it seemed, the fact that he was so disturbed by the event made him believe him." I have no idea what this sentence is trying to communicate. "...made him believe him?" I didn't know how I was supposed to read this, so I just ignored it. The last paragraph and the succeeding last sentence are sort of deflated by each other. You say they're celebrating twice, and the second time (the last sentence) is supposed to be the punchline to the entire story. So again, I understand it, but it could've been worded much more succinctly. All in all, I did enjoy the story. Your descriptions of the "chimera" were gut-wrenching, and I felt true anxiety for Karl and Guy. As for the ending, well, it seems kind of open ended. Did the thing survive, and escape into the sewers or something, or did it ever exist in the first place? Did Guy ever exist?